Top 10 Most Historically Significant David Bowie Albums

David Bowie’s contribution to the music industry, and indeed human culture in general, is incalculable. Here are some highlights from his career:

1. Liza Jane (1964): At age 17, David Bowie invents music.

2. Space Oddity (1969): Bowie not only re-invents rock, he creates space travel.

3. The Man Who Sold The World (1970): Bowie invents grunge, and it will take 20 years for the world to catch up.

4. Ziggy Stardust (1972): One dull Sunday afternoon at Mick Jagger’s apartment, Bowie comes up with homosexuality. The extent of Jagger’s input is debated to this day.

5. Raw Power (1973): Bowie spontaneously gives birth to three loud and hairy midgets, naming them “The Stooges”. He produces their album (out of thin air), and punk music is born.

6. Young Americans (1975): In five minutes and thirteen seconds, Bowie invents soul music, negroes to play it, America, free will, and refrigerators.

7. Low (1977): Bowie creates electronic music, in the process inventing electricity itself and Brian Eno.

8. "Heroes" (1977): Bowie’s sci-fi drama at NBC is an immediate success… 30 years later. He decides to broadcast it directly into the future, fearing that then-contemporary TV sets and human minds weren’t prepared for such greatness.

9. Under Pressure (1982): On the tenth anniversary of his most daring invention, and hoping to top it, Bowie accidentally invents AIDS. The world will never be the same.

10. Let’s Dance (1983): Bowie retroactively creates the 80’s, and with it goblins and magic. He decides to rule reality from his secret castle from this point onwards, giving human governments the illusion of control.

London, 1979

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend of The Who are rehearsing at Pete’s home studio.

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ROGER: Alright, Pete. I think that’s enough for me today. I’m heading out.

PETE: Okay, Roger. Oh, Roger?

ROGER: Yes, Pete?

PETE: Did I tell you about my doorman, Milo?

Milo the doorman stands by the entrance to Pete’s house. He smiles politely towards Roger. Roger awkwardly smiles back.

ROGER: Yes, Pete. You introduced me to Milo when we came in. Well, anyway…

Roger heads toward the front door and is about to open it.

PETE: Oh, no, no. Milo can do that, Roger. That’s what he’s here for. Milo?

Milo expertly moves his arm in the direction of the front door in order to open it, but Roger lightly touches his shoulder to let him know that’s not necessary.

ROGER: That’s… that’s alright, Milo. Thank you. Why, uh, do you have a doorman, anyway, Pete?

PETE: Why, Roger. To open doors.

Pete smiles with the smug satisfaction of someone who has a doorman.

ROGER: I see. Well, it’s getting late, so I’m just gonna…

PETE: Roger. Let him do that.

ROGER: That’s no problem, Pete. I’ll show myself out.

PETE: Roger.

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ROGER: (sighs) What is it, Pete?

PETE: I paid for the goddamn doorman, Roger. Let him do his fucking job.

ROGER: You know what? No. No, Pete! I can open my own doors! Unlike you, apparently!

Milo quickly grabs the doorknob, his doorman instincts recognizing that the situation is about to get worse — however, Roger’s microphone-clutching muscle memory allows him to grab it as well. The two struggle for control of the door-opening mechanism. Pete watches in despair.

PETE: NO, STOP IT! STOP IT, ROGER!

ROGER: Don’t tell me what to do, Peter Townshend! DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

PETE: GODDAMN YOU, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD! LET MILO OPEN THE DOOR! LET MILO OPEN THE-

Pete stops cold, a sudden revelation striking him. He leaps towards his guitar and clutches it as raw inspiration courses through his system. The chords practically play themselves.

PETE: When people keep repeating
That you’ll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can’t seem to get enough

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

Milo is entranced by the beauty of the impromptu composition, and just the world in general. Tears fill up his old, tired eyes for the first time in decades. Roger seizes the opportunity to punch him in the fucking face. He opens the door and stomps out.

Roger returns a second later.

ROGER: That song stinks!

Roger leaves again, as a mildly offended Pete scribbles the lyrics on a piece of paper.

PETE: Well, I’ll put it in a solo album, then.

cracked
cracked:

It was almost a century ago, but The New York Times used to throw mad shade.
4 Smug Predictions That Were Hilariously Wrong

#4. The New York Times Had to Retract an Editorial Calling the First Rocket Scientist Dumb
In 1920, the New York Times decided to call shenanigans on a paper by some guy named Robert H. Goddard, who claimed to have figured out a way to propel a rocket to the moon. Now, doubting such an idea all the way back in 1920, when some New Yorkers still commuted to work by donkey, wasn’t so outrageous — hell, there are people alive today who think moon trips are only possible through Illuminati/Stanley Kubrick trickery. No, what’s special about the Times’ anti-space travel column is that the writer goes out of his way to shit on Goddard’s work and imply he’s dumber than a 15-year-old.

Read More

I wrote this! Every single change that Cracked has made to an article of mine has been for the best and I love them for making me look good, but I’m still a little sad that the following GIF was cut out of the “GameSpot made fun of the Wii’s sales before it came out” entry:

(More specifically, it went right after “But Then:”)

cracked:

It was almost a century ago, but The New York Times used to throw mad shade.

4 Smug Predictions That Were Hilariously Wrong

#4. The New York Times Had to Retract an Editorial Calling the First Rocket Scientist Dumb

In 1920, the New York Times decided to call shenanigans on a paper by some guy named Robert H. Goddard, who claimed to have figured out a way to propel a rocket to the moon. Now, doubting such an idea all the way back in 1920, when some New Yorkers still commuted to work by donkey, wasn’t so outrageous — hell, there are people alive today who think moon trips are only possible through Illuminati/Stanley Kubrick trickery. No, what’s special about the Times’ anti-space travel column is that the writer goes out of his way to shit on Goddard’s work and imply he’s dumber than a 15-year-old.

Read More

I wrote this! Every single change that Cracked has made to an article of mine has been for the best and I love them for making me look good, but I’m still a little sad that the following GIF was cut out of the “GameSpot made fun of the Wii’s sales before it came out” entry:

(More specifically, it went right after “But Then:”)

Here’s a song I wrote when I was about 15 or so. It’s pretty personal so I’ve never shared this with anyone. I did tweak a few things just now, but it’s still mostly awkward and embarrassing. I’ll shut up now and post it before I chicken out (I’ll probably delete this later anyway).

I see trees are blue
Made from beef stew
Fighting kung fu
With me and you
And I think to myself
What the fuck’s going on

I see dogs in ties
Buying french fries
The movie Snake Eyes
Won a Nobel Prize
And I think to myself
What the fuck’s going on

A pack of wild messiahs
Invaded my backyard
They ate all my papayas
And castrated my jaguar
I see doors wearing pants
Sayin’, “Have some fondue”
I have to tell them
"I’m a jew"

I hear Tommy Lee Jones
And eight of his gnomes
Playing trombones
Into my phones
And I think to myself
What the fuck’s going on

Yes, I think to myself
What the fuck’s going on

Editor de fotos gratis